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Get Laid Tonight

That’s right: tonight. Not tomorrow. Not at that wedding in October where you’ll be buying drinks for that hot bridesmaid. Tonight. As in, depending on what time it is as you’re reading this, in a few hours.

Here’s How:

Step One: Register for a free profile with HookUP.com.

Step Two: Find everything you need to know to create a great adult dating profile right here at HookUP.com.

Step Three: Read the rest of this blog post.

Step Four: ???

Step Five: Profit.

Or: Go to some dumb bar that may be dead and empty, wait until there’s one person left in the place, besides the bartender, and risk striking out.

Seriously, Trust Us

The woman or man you are trying to sleep with tonight you have never met and they don’t know you exist. Probably. Sometimes you find strange familiars on adult dating sites. Your babysitter, for example. Or, rather, your kid’s babysitter. If she’s on here, she’s fair game. Your kindergarten teacher might be on here, too. Not your kid’s kindergarten teacher: your kindergarten teacher. From a long time ago, probably. Hopefully. She’s fair game, too, we guess.

The point is, it’s not a slam dunk. It requires some work and some finesse. But with our help, you can do it. Did you create your profile? Hurry up. We’ll wait.

The Matches

Okay. Nice profile. You followed our suggestions. Now, are you getting any matches yet? You should be. Hurry up. Expand your parameters a bit. Choose a better picture. Still nothing? Okay, hold on. There may be some red flags on your profile. Check out this post to make sure:

Words You Should Never Use on Your Adult Dating Profile, Besides “Married.”

Okay. Reviewed? Fixed? Great. Now the matches should start coming in. Do you know what to say? You probably don’t. We’ve had to help you with the other steps. We know how you are. It’s alright, we’ve got you:

Sending the First Message, Or, How to Meet a Pen Pal.

The Meet-Up

Alright. If you’re following along, you should be golden. Have you arranged a meet-up yet? If not, just sit tight and be patient. They may be on cell data. Lag. They’ll get back to you. In the meantime, here’s some casual reading to occupy you while you wait.

A Complete History of Cunnilingus

Alright. Are you in business yet? Are they coming to your place, no pun intended? That would be idea, right? Saves on gas. Then when it’s time to go home in the morning, you’re already there. Is your place ready? Find the guidelines for a proper bachelor pad below. Late in the game, but do your best.

Hosting: Time to Get Your Bachelor Pad Together

Coffee is for Closers

Okay. The profile worked. The matches came flowing in. You picked one, you get their attention, you’ve arranged to meet, you’re ready and your place is ready. But…

It’s Not a Done Deal Yet!

You still have to close this thing. It’s still not a slam dunk by any means.

First, here’s a quick review, for you adult dating veterans; or a primer for you newbies.

Adult Dating for Fun and Profit: Seven Tips to Maximize Your Casual Sexperience

There will be a quiz later. But not really. If you read that and took it all in, you’re in good shape. We’re ready to get specific: Here are some words to throw at your quarry. First, some pick-up lines. They’re not just for strangers, or seedy bars. They can actually be quite–You know, just read the post:

Pick-Up Lines for Fun and Profit

That should get your foot in the door, at least. Which is peculiar since you’re meeting at your place, but whatever. But you still haven’t closed the deal. Try a little classic literature. Yes, we know: you’re not Harold Bloom, or even Leopold Bloom, but it’s not like everything on your profile is absolutely true, right? Your wife probably agrees, but anyway. All we’re saying is give these lines a chance. They can get you from first to third. You are on first, aren’t you? You must be by now.

Classic Literature for Swooning and Panty Erosion

The Act

Hold up! Time out. Before you go any further, is this someone you want in your place? Is this someone you want to see again? By now, your partner should be showing a little of their true colors. They may be a freak, which is a good thing and a bad thing. Review the following post before advancing any further. We’re not calling it off: you’ve come too far to not come, so far. But we want to make sure you’re safe. Now and tomorrow.

Adult-Dating a Freak, Or, Never Stick Your Dick in Crazy

Alright. Everything kosher? It should be getting hot and heavy now. The deal should be closed. Now you just make sure you’re both enjoying the ride. Put on some tunes.

Let’s Get it On: The Ten Best Albums for Fucking

 

Okay, great. Now, at this point we’re going to kind of jump the fourth wall, so to speak, and wonder why you’ve got a partner ready to go, two engines running, Barry White playing, and you’re still scrolling through this blog post. Go to! Before you end up in a blog post like this one:

Hilarious Adult Dating Blunders

(You should be busy by now. You can thank us later.)

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