Sometimes the girl you want in your bed is the last girl you want in your life. It’s a fine line. You want the girl who’ll take to the sheets with reckless abandon, but then abandon that recklessness when the lights come on. You want someone in the range of a Playboy Bunny, but not a bunny boiling on your range. The combination call-girl/preschool teacher. Jeanne from “Last Tango in Paris” one minute, Ilsa from “Casablanca” the next. Well, pal, we hate to break it to you, but that type is hard to come by, even if they’re not hard to come with.
But all is not lost. The freaks are definitely out there. The digital age has even further liberated us all sexually, and is connecting us more easily. And there are ways to stay secure, even with some of the freakiest freaks. So if you land a freak, go ahead and reel her in. You only live once. But follow these ten simple rules, and live to tell the tale. Consider this an adult dating public service announcement.
Rule Number One: Be Very Clear.
Be frank and direct about what you want, what you’re doing, and what your roles are and will be in each other’s lives. Don’t hedge. Don’t use unclear language. Don’t say “well, I don’t know, we’ll see where it goes.” It goes into the bedroom, then it goes away. Give her a little credit: she probably wants the exact same thing.
Rule Number One-A: Always Use Protection, Always.
Freaks attract freaks. Lord knows where she’s been. And there are two things that make her good in bed: one, she’s had some practice; two, she attacks life and sex with a joyous disregard for her body, and has for awhile. Don’t be afraid to let yourself go, but keep some latex between you and her.
Rule Number Two: Make Sure You’re Both About the Same Thing
Sometimes a hook-up for one partner is seen as a stepping stone for the other. Make sure this isn’t the case. If you’re going to see her more than once, make sure she knows it’s because she’s hot as fuck and wild in the sack. Not because you’re hoping for a white-picket fence somewhere in the future. Even the distant future.
Rule Number Three: Establish and Maintain Firm Boundaries.
Where, when, how, what, why, and with whom. These should all be clear and impregnable. Hopefully she is, too. As mentioned in rule number one, make sure boundaries, needs, and intentions are stated clearly. But make sure those boundaries are respected and adhered to. Follow through. If there are things you don’t want her to know about you, don’t tell her; if there are things you don’t want to know about her, don’t ask. If you’re both about the same thing, this shouldn’t be a problem. Which leads us to:
Rule Number Four: Compartmentalize
Remember the Seinfeld episode with Relationship George and Independent George, and how Independent George started to fade away? That’s because George didn’t compartmentalize well enough. You decide what degree of compartmentalizing you’re comfortable with: fine with her meeting your friends? Your family? Tagging along to the weekend softball game, going to a concert, maybe doing a little part-time work for your firm? Wrong! No soup for you! A place for everything and everything in its place. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Rule Number Five: Communicat
Regularly. “I still want to do this;” “I’ve met someone I’ll need to be faithful to;” “it burns when I pee.” Keep talking, and respect her ability to understand, appreciate, and absorb what you’re telling her, like an adult, even if she has no such ability. It will probably be new to her, and she’ll be honored. Flattered, even. This will make it easier to bang her brains out.
Rule Number Six: If You Meet Any of Her Friends, Connect with Them
Crazy people can’t fucking stand each other. Because they’re crazy. So if she’s the crazy one in a group of three or more, it’s a good bet the rest of the group is right as rain, and that they know she’s crazy. Little glances, raised eyebrows, and body language can say a ton: “You know she’s crazy, right? You’ll have my back? You know that whatever happens here won’t be my fault?” They’re not going to ever come dashing to your rescue, but they’re better equipped to talk her down than you are, so try to generate some sympathy. Plus you’re planting seeds for the future. Like scouting.
Rule Number Seven: Get Outside Opinions
If she’s really a freak in bed, you’re going to do this anyway. But keep in constant communication with your friends, people whose opinions you trust. Let them know about her from the beginning, keep them posted, and if things start to get sketchy and you’re wondering if you should bail, go straight to them. They’ll be able to consider the situation objectively because it won’t be them not getting that furious monkey-sex anymore.
Rule Number Eight: If You Start to Get Carried Away, Carry On
If you know from the start that she’s bad news with her clothes on, and you feel yourself starting to get hung up on her, bolt. Don’t hesitate. There are plenty of fish in the sea that can make booty-calls without a day-pass. And if you find yourself getting romantic and, shucks, you just want someone who will stay up all night talking about Ornette Coleman, don’t forget: it ain’t her. The one is out there; this one is out there.
Rule Number Nine: Remember You Can Live Without It
We all go through dry spells. It’s not going to atrophy, petrify, and fall off. You’ll make due. There’s always chat rooms, PornHub, sexting, and your ex. Hell, you landed this one super-hot freak of nature sex-goddess, you can land another one. Maybe the next one won’t even work at Dunkin’ Donuts. You the man. You are not going to die of loneliness. You just may not be getting laid for awhile. It’s better than waking up to a gleaming Wüsthof.
Rule Number Ten: Remember: Things Don’t Have to Go Up to Ten
It’s fine for there just to be nine of something.
Keep in mind, of course, that gender roles can be reversed in these examples. Keep in mind also that if you are in a group of three or more friends and you know that the rest of them are stable and well-adjusted, guess what?